‘I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.’
Mark Draper
Aston Villa Footballer

Golf and sex are the only things you can delight in without being excellent at them!
Jimmy Demaret
Hall of Fame Golfer

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious.”
Alan Minter
Boxer

“Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball.”
Ian St John
Football Player

“Statistics are like miniskirts:
They give you excellent thoughts but hide the vital things”
Ebbe Skovdahl
Danish Football Manager

“When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1″
Lawrie McMenemy
Manager of Southampton Football Club

Dennis Pennis questions boxer Chris Eubank the following question during an interview:
‘Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?’
Chris Eubank: ‘On what?’

“Is the Pope Catholic. No I’m serious, is he? I really need
to know” – when questioned if he might be moving to AS Roma
David Beckham
English Soccer Player

“Now you see me, now you don’t.
George thinks he will, but I know he won’t!”
Boxing Champion Muhammad Ali taunting George Foreman

‘And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his team-mate Trulli,
which should in fact be quite simple, because Trulli is going more
slowly than his team-mate Nakano.’
MurrayWalker
Formula One Motor Racing Car Commentator

‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it
– you can see it all over their faces.’
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

“When Manchester United are at their best – I am close to orgasm”
Gianluca Vialli
Soccer Player

“Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win”
Vinny Jones
Former Chelsea Football Player

“Despite the rain, it’s still raining here at Ancient Trafford”
Jimmy Hill
BBC Sports

‘For those of you watching in black and white,
Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.’
John Motson
BBC Sports

“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
Oh my God, what have I just said?”
Golf Commentator
Unites States TV

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
Greg Norman
Australian Golf Champion

“This is a really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
TedWalsh
Horse Racing Commentator

‘Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.’
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

‘If you’d offered me a 69 at the start this morning
I’d have been all over you.’
Sam Torrance
Golfer

‘……..and later we will have action from the men’s cockless pairs …’
Sue Barker
Sports Commentator

“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.”
John Francombe
Jockey

‘A fascinating duel between 3 men…’
David Coleman
BBC Commentator talking about the hammer throw competition

‘The lead car is absolutely unique, except
for the one behind it which is identical.’
MurrayWalker
Formula One Motor Car Racing Commentator

“There are the boys, their balls between their legs.”
Amanda Redington
GMTV

‘In cycling, you can place all your money on one horse.’
Stephen Roche
Eurosport Television

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at
the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.”
MurrayWalker
Formula One Motor Car Racing Commentator

‘Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’
Metro Radio
Football

“These greens are so quick they must bikini wax them.”
Gary McCord
Commenting on the golf greens in Atlanta

“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – really against the run of play.”
Peter Lorenzo
Football “Pundit”

“We really got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.”
Ian McNail
Footballer

“It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.”
IanWright
Commenting on His Team Mate’s Alcoholism

“I don’t like to see players tossed off needlessly”
Andy Gray
Football Player

“The beauty of Cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath”
Terry Butcher
Football Player

“If you stand still there is only one way to go, and that’s backwards”
Peter Shilton
England Goalkeeper

“And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season”
Garry Lyon
Australian Football Commentator

“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league”
Mark Viduka
Australian Soccer Player

“He’s pulling him off!
The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!”
George Hamilton commenting on Spain’s manager Luis Suarez’s substitution of
Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland

‘Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times
ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.’
David Coleman
Athletics Commentator

‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge
president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.’
Harry Carpenter
BBC TV Commentating on a Boat Race in 1977

“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf.”
Hank Aaron
Baseball Player

“The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said:
If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it jumping up and down.”
Rita Rudner
Comedienne

‘I always used to place my right boot on first,
and then obviously my right sock.’
Barry Venison
ITV

‘Without being too harsh on David,
he cost us the match.’
IanWright
ITV

“My parents have been there for me,
ever since I was about 7.”
David Beckham
English Soccer Player

“I reckon Sheffield Wednesday are a very poor football team. They are like a man who’s got diarrhoea who can’t get his trousers down”
Rodney Marsh
Australian Cricket Player

“The ref was vertically 15 yards away.”
Kevin Keegan
Football Player

“Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed”
Bob Wilson
Arsenal Manager

“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt, explaining to coach Jim
Valvano in 1982 why he appeared nervous at practice.

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz basketball president commenting on a former player:
“I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you.
Is it ignorance or apathy?’
Player: “Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“The immortal Jackie Milburn died today”
Cliff Morgan
Welsh Rugby Union Player

“If at first you don’t succeed
……. So much for skydiving.”
Henry Youngman
Comedian

“Monica Seles – I’d despise to be next door to her on her wedding night.”
Peter Ustinov
News/TV

1. I CHILD PROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.
2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT ANCIENT. (On the back) IF YOU’RE A TREE.
3. AT MY AGE, “GETTING LUCKY” MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
4. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACH ER WON’T HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.
5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.
6. LIFE IS SMALL. MAKE FUN OF IT.
7. I’M NOT 50. I’M $49.95 PLUS TAX.
8. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFI’!
9. IT‘S MY CAT’S WORLD. I’M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.
10. “EARTH” IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.
11. KEEP STARING …. I MAY DO A TRICK.
12. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.
13. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.
14. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANTFLASH AND IT’S GONE.

A computer was something on TV from a science-fiction show of note.

A window was something you despised to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend. And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 inch Floppy You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public you’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider’s home

And a virus was the flu.

I guess I’II stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead.

“A baby is a blank check made payable to the human race.” Barbara Christine Seifert

“Making the choice to have a child–It’s momentous. It is to choose forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ~ Elizabeth Stone

“Parenthood: The state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” ~ Marcelene Cox

“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories.” ~ John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” ~ Franklin P. Jones

“A baby’s an inestimable blessing and bother.” ~ Mark Twain

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” ~ Ed Asner

“A three year ancient child is a being who gets nearly as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.” ~ Bill Vaughan

“If your baby’s “gorgeous and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,” you’re the grandma.” ~ Theresa Bloomingdale

“People who say they sleep like babies usually don’t have them.” ~ Leo J. Burke

“Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home.” ~ Bill Cosby quote

“A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.” ~ Ronald Knox quote

“There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” ~ ~Dr. Benjamin Spock quote

“The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.” ~ Kin Hubbard quote

“A man likes his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.” ~ Irish Proverb

“The toughest job facing kids today is learning excellent manners without seeing any.” ~ Fred Astaire

I spent 90%of my money on women and drink.
The rest I wasted!
George Best
Champion English Football Player

“And he’s lost both right front tires.”
James Allen

“The Germans only have one player under 22,
and he’s 23!”
Kevin Keegan
English Football Player

When questioned why he keeps a color photo of himself just above his locker:
Chicago Blackhawks Hockey Star Stu Grimson said:
“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

Zero – zero is a huge score!
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria… I saw her
snatch this morning and it was incredible.”
Pat Glenn
Sports Commentator (weightlifting)
Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.
Brian Moore

He’s usually a excellent puller – but he couldn’t
get it up that time.
Ritchie Benaud
Australian Cricket Commentator

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the
paper it’s written on”
Samuel Goldwyn
Media

“Honey, I Forgot to Duck.”
JackDemsey talking to his wife after he
just lost the 1926 World Heavyweight Title

“Andrew Mehrtens likes it when
Darryl Gibson comes inside of him”
Murray Mexted
NZ Rugby commentator

Ardiles strokes the ball like it is
part of his own anatomy!
Jimmy Magee
RTE

That’s fantastic, tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.
JOHN LAMBIE responds when told a concussed striker did not
know who he was after getting hit.
Partick Thistle manager

This is an unusual Scotland side
because they have excellent players
Javier Clemente
Coach of Spanish Football Team

“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general
manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
PatWilliams
Orlando Magic Basketball General Manager, 1992
Commenting on his team’s 7-27 record:

“I’m disappointed, but I’m not going to run around
like Dennis Rodman and head-butt somebody.”
Greg Norman
Answering a reporter’s question after giving up a six shot lead at the
Masters Golf Tournament

“We really got the winner three minutes
from the end but then they equalized.”
Ian McNail
Footballer

“We’ll still be pleased if we lose.
It’s on at the same time as the Beer Festival”
Noel O’Mahoney
Cork City Boss Commenting Before the Game

“I would not say he is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better.”
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit Talking about David Ginola

“Her time is about 4.33,
which she’s capable of.”
David Coleman

‘Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride,
everybody saw that’
Desmond Lynam
BBC horse racing commentator

“If you can’t stand the heat in the dressing-
room, get out of the kitchen”
Tony Shaw
Australian Football Player

When Bob Costas questioned Oiler’s football coach Bum Phillips why he
always takes his wife on the road trips, Phillips answered:
“Because she is too damn
Hideous to kiss goodbye!”

“They didn’t change positions, they
just went the players around!”
John Sammy Newman
Channel 9 Football Commentator

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor.
The tests don’t seem to make sense to me,
measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been
through in school.”
Ray Forsythe – Clemson football player
Commenting about why he was ineligible as a freshman because of
academic requirements

“Show me a man who is a excellent loser
and I’ll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.”
Jim Murray

“I went to a fight the other night and a
hockey game broke out.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Comedian/Actor

Whenever I feel like exercising I
lie down until the feeling passes!
Robert M. Hutchins

If you are going to throw a club, it is vital to throw
it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to
waste energy going back to pick it up.
Tommy Bolt

When a question was questioned of boxing promoter Dan Duva
about Don King managing Mike Tyson again he answered:
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two
black men beat each other up.
Muhammad Ali
Boxing Fantastic

“If women were meant to play
football, God would have place their
tits somewhere else.”
Gordon Sinclair

If you reckon it’s hard to meet new people, try
picking up the incorrect golf ball.
Jack Lemmon

Don’t park in the spaces marked,
“Reserved for Umpires.”
John McSherry

When someone questioned Texas Football Coach, Darrell Royal, if the
abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor
physical conditioning:
Royal answered: “One player was lost because he
broke his nose. How do you go about getting a
nose in condition for football?”

In 1991, Steve Spurrier, told Florida Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s
football dorm had ruined 20 books:
He then said: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been coloured yet.”
Steve Spurrier
Florida University Football Coach

Most football players are temperamental. That’s
ninety percent temper and ten percent mental.
Doug Plank

Playing football in the morning is like
eating cabbage for breakfast.
Press

Hawaii doesn’t win many games in the
United States.
Lee Corso
College Football Commentator

Let’s face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that
has a small something to do with the brain to go out on the
football field and beat your head against other human
beings on a daily basis.
Tim Green

When questioned about what it would take for him to leave
Essendon Football Club from his current position as
an assistant coach; Mark Harvey answered:
“I won’t leave unless I’m offered a Head Job from
someone else!”
Mark Harvey
Assistant Football Coach – EFC

Cricket commentator Mark Nicholas was interviewing Australian spin
bowler Shane Warne about his bowling technique.
Nicholas questioned Warne how he puts a certain spin on the ball.
Warne relied by saying that you have to cock your wrist a small more.
Nicholas then responded by saying “so you need a bit more cock in
your hand to get the ball to do that!”
Both paused for a second and then continued as they knew that it was
a PG rated show.

Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s.
Movement and positioning”
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged
man at an arse kicking contest.”
Rowan Atkinson

“It’s raining and the track is wet!”
James Allen

“Baseball is 90% mental –
The other half is physical.”
Yogi Berra?
Baseball Fantastic

“In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athlete.”
Yakov Smirnoff

“Its a fantastic advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs” (David Coleman)
“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: “We didn’t underestingate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.”(Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country.” (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: “Don’t sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you reckon Germany has of getting through?

Terry Venables: “I reckon it’s 50-50.” “I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than Iost.”
(Frank Bruno)

“There’s going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.” (David Coleman)

“There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 peopIe.” (David Coleman)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” (Murray Walker)
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Greg Norman)

“There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious.” (Alan Minter)

“Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how quick they are running.” (Ron Pickering)

“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” (Murray Walker)

“A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress break of the shin.” (Jo Sheldon)

“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” (Ted Lowe)

“I’|| fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” (Marlon Starling)

“If history repeats itself, I should reckon we can expect the same thing again.” (Terry Venables)

“I can’t tell who’s leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.”
(John Snagge – Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

“The Queen’s Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round.”
(Tony Crozier)

Reporter:  Shaquille, did you visit the Parthenon during your visit to Greece?
“I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal
Basketball Player

“Frazier is so hideous he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.”
Muhammad Ali
Boxing Fantastic

“They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.”
Walter Hagen
British Open Golf Champion

‘Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer.’
David Acfield
Football Player

“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level.
Well, he’s the only manager I’ve really had at this level.
But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had”
David Beckham
English Soccer Player

“It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil.”
Greg Phillips
Portsmouth News

“It’s incredible how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its past.”
David Duffy
Eurosport

When questioned on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and
living in a foreign country:
“It was like being in a foreign country.”
Ian Rush
Former Liverpool Footballer

“The underdogs will start favourites for this match”
Anthony Hudson
Australian Football Commentator

‘Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.’
John Arlott
Cricket Commentator

“Germany are a very hard team to play…they had 11 Internationals out there today”
Steve Lomas
West Ham United

‘They’ve picked their heads up off the
ground and they now have a
lot to carry on their shoulders.’
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

“If you were in the Brondby dressing room
right now, which of the Liverpool players
would you be looking at?”
Ray Stubbs
BBC Sports

‘Chile have three options – they
could win or they could lose.’
Kevin Keegan
Football Player

‘I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the
same today,
except that it’s completely different.’
Kevin Keegan
Football Player

‘Street hockey is fantastic for kids. It’s energetic,
competitive, and
skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street.’
Radio 1 Newsbeat

“England has the best fans in the world and Scotland’s fans are second-to-none.”
Kevin Keegan
Football Player

Shelby Metcalf, the basketball coach at Texas A&M recalling what he told
one of his players who received four F’s and one D on a report card:
“Son, looks to me like you’re spending
too much time on one subject.”
Shelby Metcalf
Basketball Coach

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees!
Jason Kidd
American Basketball Player

“Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a
public service announcement, so much so that he
makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating.”
Alex Ramsey

‘If history repeats itself, I should reckon
we can expect the same thing again.’
Terry Venables
Former England Football Team Manager

‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on
any other part of my body.’
Winston Bennett
Basketball Player

‘What will you do when you leave football Jack?
Will you stay in football?’
Stuart Hall
Radio

“Ian Mackie is here to prove his
back injury is behind him.”
Spar Athletics Commentator

‘Batistuta is very excellent at
pulling off defenders.’
Kevin Keegan
Football Player

“Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and
occasionally on the left side” – when questioned if he
thought that he was a volatile player.
David Beckham
English Football Player

“Nobody in football should be called a genius.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Joe Theismann
NFL Football Player and T.V. Commentator

‘Her legs are kept tightly together,
She’s giving nothing away.’
Anon.
Gymnastics T.V. Commentator

‘Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year ancient Kenyan,
who turned 20 a few weeks ago.’
David Coleman
Olympic Games Commentator

‘There goes Juantorena down the back straight,
opening his legs and showing his class.’
David Coleman
Olympic Games Commentator

“We didn’t underestimate them.
They were a lot better than we thought.”
Bobby Robson
Football Manager

“…… and Ray Illingworth is relieving
himself in front of the pavilion.”
John Arlott
Cricket Commentator

“Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come
up behind and give him one really hard.”
Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

‘I wouldn’t be surprised if this game
went all the way to the end.’
Ian St John
TV Presenter

This was Chicago Cub’s outfielder Andre Dawson’s response when being
questioned about being a role model:
“I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me.
I want all the kids to copulate me.”

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”
Bill Peterson
Florida State Football Coach

‘Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman.’
Brian Moore

‘The swimmers are swimming
out of their socks.’
Sharon Davies
BBC Commentator

“If one synchronised swimmer drowns,
do all the rest have to drown too?”
StevenWright
Comedian

“You watch the pit lane
while I stop the start watch…”
MurrayWalker
Motor Sport Commentator

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